Today my friends and fellow classmates will walk across a stage declaring their academic victory. Not me. My life is packed up in boxes as I sit here looking at the bare walls that know so much more than anyone else.

Why am I not walking? Why am I not joining my peers in this ceremonial festivity that makes them feel accomplished and makes their families proud?

Because I am growing up in a different way today. Throwing away childish things and transferring my life to a new house…with my soon to be husband. A week and I will leave my parents and cleave unto him forever.

Besides, I would have only walked across that glorious stage for your recognition…to hear you say you’re proud of me for my English with teacher licensure degree I will receive magna cum laude. Since you haven’t given any acknowledgement of my achievement, I guess I won’t hear those words of approval from you.

So I will move these things of mine in preparation of my life to come, that seeks to honor you, not focus on your acceptance.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. “

Matthew 5:6 NIV

that you’re leaving did not affect me.  That I was not shaken by your hurtful actions.  I missed a friend, but that was all…I just had to bask in the memories.

I used to think that I was right, but I was wrong.  I’ve realized now, you left a scar on my right atrium.  So slight, but ever so deep.  Leaving me to fend for myself to try and trust another, besides my one true friend.  Instead of trying, I built walls around myself so that I would not be wounded again.  But, I’ve had enough.

I’ve missed out on an incredible friendship, awesome experiences, and people who are more trustworthy than you.  

I hate that it hurt this much and took so long that I had to miss out on so much, but I thank you for helping me realize the value of true friendship.  I will not take it for granted.

It’s funny how we go through life picking and choosing who our “best friend” is, and it changes from year to year, class to class.  As girls, we exchange half heart necklaces to declare our friendship, in hopes that these trinkets would make the bond stronger.  I’ve known for a while the trinket friendships are ones that tend to fail quickly.  I have been one of the lucky ones, though. 

As I sat on that bed surrounded by the three people that are closest to me, I thanked God.  Each relationship is so vastly different from the other, but those three people mean the world to me.  One of blood, one from childhood, and the other so new, but so deep.  These three women are not just friends, they are all my sisters. 

Just thinking of them and the experiences we shared fills my heart will joy.

Thank you.   

“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.”

               -Thomas Aquinas

Vibrations shook my arms and rattled my mind until my eyes flew open.  The highway that was once in front of me was not quite centered.  Immediately I could feel the blood flowing through my veins like a river bursting through a dam.  Despite the desperate attempts at remembering how to properly get back on the road, I began to take action without thought.  As my tires rotated at rapid speeds, I turned the wheel to find the solace between the solid and dotted lines.  Twisting too far, I knew that something had to give.  My hands began rotating the wheel in the opposite direction with the hopes of regaining control.  

Tires screeched.  The car rattled.  Greenery filled my vision as my car took me tumbling through the grassy ditch of a median.  Just when I thought relief was around the corner, my faithful golden Civic flew through the weeds to the other side of the highway in the wrong direction.  I faced a white SUV, headed straight towards me.  I had no time to think, no time to move, no time to even pray…

but my car was somehow pulled out of the road and slammed into the guard rail, just 10-15 feet from a huge concrete wall.  ”It’s like snow, when the weather warms up…” Billy Currington continued to sing as if nothing had happened to begin with.  But, I felt something wet, panic struck me.  My heart racing rapidly, I was relieved to find that it was only a drink that had gotten spilled in the… in the…in the wreck.  I had wrecked.  

There’s no feeling like when reality sets in, when your brain finally catches up with everything that has happened, & when your body reacts.  Shaking.  Sweat.  But, no tears.  Not yet.  I needed to be strong.  I was fine.  I was just going to drive away, go home, like nothing had ever happened.

Wrong.

Two witnesses, one of which was the lady in the white SUV who almost hit me, a stammering phone call to my mom, another to my dad, mindless texts that were uninformative, five police cars, a police report, and many tears later…my mom was taking me home.  And the tears wouldn’t stop.

All this time, I kept thinking how mad people would be, how much money it would cost, and how terrible the timing of this all was.  Not to mention, I felt like a utter failure.  

What I failed to see then, even though it is perfectly clear now, is that He had a hand in it all.  He pulled me away just in time.  He protected me.

Thinking back on those times is so dangerous.  Yet, the peril doesn’t stop me.

Things just came so easy between us and the chemistry.  Wow.  Nothing could top our chemistry.  Many nights spent dancing, talking, laughing, playing games or simply just sitting.  No one could hold a candle to us.

But now…what has happened to us?  Little fights never used to shake our foundation.  But now, even the littlest thing sends us tumbling to the ground. 

Leaving us in silence.

And all we have left are those moments captured in color hanging on walls, stacked on shelves or piled in old boxes or scattered in our heads.  All we have left are the memories.

A very close friend of mine has inspired me to do something new this year.  She asks God to give her a word that will be her focus for the year and sticks to it.  I’m not going to lie, this is one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard.  I do love New Year’s resolutions, but this year the only thing I can think of that needs to change that falls into the “resolution category” is continuing to get in shape.  But a word.  A word to describe my focus for 2012 seems fitting, almost perfect.  I immediately began to wonder what my word should be.  

I knew what I wanted it to be.  I wanted it to be prayer.  I love prayer but I just never seem to get enough of it and so I wanted to set it as a priority.  A focus for this year to be dedicated to prayer more than ever before.  

But that just wasn’t what God wanted, and I knew it.

I could feel Christ pulling at my heart in a different direction, one that would need prayer.  

It all went back to a conversation we had at premarital counseling about how we handled conflict.  John Harney said that God calls us to be peacemakers, not peacekeepers.  As someone who truly HATES conflict, HATES when people are upset with me, HATES fighting/arguing/etc., I always leaned toward peaceKEEPING with certain people in my life.  Okay, with most people.  But I knew this was one of the Beatitudes discussed in Matthew.  I knew it had to be a part of my marriage, but God has revealed this is my word.

Peacemaker.

This word means action, speaking up when God calls me to it, and stepping into places in obedience, even when everything in me is fighting it.  This whole concept is going to take that devotion to prayer because this is against my nature in most situations.

But today, Christ totally put me into a situation that required me to be a peacemaker instead of simply sitting back and keeping my mouth shut.  Although it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I am dreading the place that it has put me in, I know it was obedience to God.  Because of that, I have complete faith that He will work it out in His timing.  

So here it goes.  2012.  Peacemaker, not peacekeeper.  And it’s already started on January 1st.  God doesn’t like to waste any time. ;)

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

                             [Matthew 5.9]

is necessary with the past year that I experienced.  If I had to choose one word to describe the theme of my life this past year: growth.  My mind fills with so many examples of how God has truly grown me and how I have grown into a young woman that I wish I could type them all out, but I’d be here forever.  So, looking back on 2011, I hope to select some of the highlights, lessons learned, and truly examples of growth throughout the past year.

• Spring Break of 2011 I traveled to Seattle, WA to visit my sister, brother-in-law (though he’s more of a brother), and nephew BY MYSELF.  Incredible.  Traveling as a young woman across the country truly is a growing experience with responsibilities, people I met, conversations I had on the airplane with random people, and having one of the best weeks ever with my sister and her family.  Did I mention I also grew in experience with my first pedicure and first sushi tasting? :) I don’t think many people would choose rainy and cold Seattle for Spring Break their junior year of college, but I would not have changed it for the world. :))
• My group of close friends, TJ and myself all turned twenty-one.  Big deal, right?  Not for most people, or at least not in the same way it was for me.  I overcame many fears through this and realized just because I’m twenty-one, does not mean I have to drink, nor does it change my perspective of drinking.
  
  
• My New Year’s Resolution last year was to lose weight and drop size.  Yes, that’s almost everyone’s New Year’s resolution and I’ll admit, I’ve said it many years before…but this time, I actually stuck to it.  I am proud to say I have lost more than 20 pounds and dropped 1-2 pant sizes using the Weight Watchers program.  I would NOT have been able to do it without the support I had and I plan on continuing this journey to being a healthy person. :) 
  
  
• I went to Middle School Camp.  This trip truly acted as a catalyst for more growth than I ever expected.  God taught me so much about obedience and about having confidence in myself as a leader.  I grew to love and have so many relationships with different girls I was/am mentoring, other leaders and even my brother through this whole experience.  Even gained a new friend that has grown to be very close in my walk with God, leadership and simply in friendship, I am so thankful for her.  I began to go deeper with God in ways that I never imagined and was stretched through things like obstacle courses, pie in the face contests and capture the flag.  It was one of the hardest weeks of 2011, but it was one of the most essential.
  
  
• Although I knew it before, I truly learned that family is not simply the people blood-related or the ones you group up knowing in your house.  My family has grown so much this year to include not only my flesh and blood who I would never trade for the world and TJ’s family who will soon legally be my own, but the church.  God has blessed me with incredible brothers and sisters who have walked through hard stuff and good times this entire year with me.  I am so thankful that there are people surrounding me that truly care about me and are not afraid to say it.  
  
  
• TJ and I started premarital counseling.  It has been a truly growing experience going through the hard stuff and thinking about how to go into this marriage.  But, I am thankful God has blessed us with the couple he did in order to lead us through this and that this is an opportunity for us to grow closer to them too.
  
  
• God allowed me to be a part of leading two girls to Christ.  Words cannot describe how humbled this makes me.
  
  
• My relationship with TJ has grown and improved in ways I did not even know were possible.  After praying for over a year that God would mold us into the man and woman He wanted us to be as husband and wife, my prayers are being answered in huge ways.  Words cannot describe how thankful I am for my future husband and how far we have come in the past six years. 
• Most of all, my relationship with God has grown.  First and foremost, I feel closer with Him.  My faith in Him has grown as prayers have been answered and I see him move around me.  

Here are just a few fun side things I remember about this year:

• I picked my wedding dress, date of the wedding, booked a house and reception site.  Huge decisions and I am so thankful they are out of the way. :)
• My nephew turned one :)
• Little Ella turned one, too!
• I touched Keith Urban’s shoulder and literally stood so close to him during the concert I could have touched him more.  :) Amazing.
• One of my best friends got engaged!!
• I had my first surprise party ever, thrown by my incredible fiance. :) 
• I began cake decorating, and even decorated the cakes for my nephew’s birthday. 
• I got my tragus pierced.
• I got glasses :).
• And I watched as two of my favorite children, Atticus and Ella, grew and changed as the year progressed.  I love them both so much.

2011 was not a piece of cake.  I had several struggles, tons of stress mostly caused by school, and hard things I had to walk through with others.  But, as I look back, I have changed so much from the girl I was a year ago today, and that, is growth.

that we probably wouldn’t make it.  My best friends even bet on how long we’d last—no longer than 6 months.  Yet, here we are, six incredible, hard, yet ridiculously amazing years later celebrating another anniversary.  2190 days.  

Laying in bed this morning with a huge smile on my face from reading the early morning text “Happy anniversary, sweetie!” and the thoughtful Facebook post, I began thinking about something one of my favorite mentors in high school said to me.  After I asked Tordoff what it would take for us to last, he said that in order for us to last through all of the high school stuff and have a successful relationship, we would have to change together.  What that meant at the age of 16, I wasn’t sure.  But looking back, man have we changed—together.  

The best part?  We’re not perfect.  Our relationship still has flaws and we fight and I whine and we get frustrated with each other from time to time, but the good outweighs the bad.  Why is that?  What is it that has changed our relationship so much from those first 3 years that we were together?  Our foundation is in Christ.  

I cannot thank you enough for everything you do for me, including putting up with me when I have my freak out moments, supporting me when it feels like no one else does, surprising me with things like my FIRST surprise birthday party, and truly just loving me for who I am.  As cheesy as it may sound, when we first started dating, you matched everything on my “list” for the guy that I wanted.  As I grew older, that list started changing.  But today, you don’t just have all of those qualities on the list that I invented at the age of 15, or the one that continued to grow as we got older, you bring so much more than I ever could have thought to even include.  

And in just 5 months and 4 days, we will be forever knotted together as husband and wife.  So, thank you for everything you do and everything that you are, I am truly blessed to be the woman who will be by your side for the rest of our lives.

 You make me so incredibly happy…words just cannot do this whole emotion justice.